My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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