you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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