Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize