Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
do nipples grow back?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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