Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
