he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You took a bar mat shot.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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