When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I checked into jail on foursquare
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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