these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
