So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
