Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
