got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
