I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
