Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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