You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
