I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize