Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
