im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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