just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
