Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
