i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize