I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
