you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
