My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
