Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
