There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
