I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
