Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
