i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
