I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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