Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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