Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
