Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
