I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
