we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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