at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
