You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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