im having a threesome with these popsicles
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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