yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
