There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Can Purell be used as lube?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
