I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
