How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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