Ambien. No doubt about it.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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