Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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