I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
