I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
