Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize