im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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