currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
