he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
