If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
