I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
