Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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