I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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