i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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