Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
