Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
