i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
