u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
false alarm, still single
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
