I didn't shave. On purpose
I think my fart just growled at me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
