this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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