Someone shit on the floor
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
