can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize