just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
