I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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