well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
