Little spoons don't ask big questions
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize